When I made the commitment to weekly therapy over a year ago, I really had no idea what the outcome would be. I was just tired of feeling ashamed of being broken. I was broken by the abandonment of men, the needing to prove myself on a job that didn’t value my talents and broken from the childhood wounds that never healed themselves. I was looking to find peace amidst all the broken pieces.
I thought I could be “fixed” after a session or two. I had no idea that I was entering into a committed relationship that would hold me accountable, force me to confront my emotions, and strengthen my need for boundaries in every area of my life. I had to be honest with my therapist if this was work.
I had to take a hard look at myself. I was choosing men who were unavailable. Not because, I loved these types of relationships, but because I was living out a family pathology. As long as they provided me with a morsel of love and affection, I made concessions for their absence in my life, and their presence in the lives of others. Just like I did for my Father, I excused dysfunctional behavior from men because my self-esteem said that was as much as I deserved. I was broken, but not beyond repair.
On Wednesday afternoons, I couldn’t bully someone into siding with my poor behavior. I couldn’t shut down and stop talking, and I couldn’t wordplay my way out of dealing with my shit. I could no longer cancel, I had to commit. To say it has been easy would be a lie, but I have learned that the journey of HEART work is HARD work.
Depending on how you see it, a burial and planting look very similar. I had been burying my feelings for so long trying to keep up appearances that the only thing I was planting was denial, fear, and avoidance. Dealing with my relationships head-on meant some would come to an end, while others would find a new beginning. To plant new seeds meant I had to show up for myself and stop passing the buck to men, sex, food, alcohol, shopping, and weed. These were all hard as hell to confront, but my life was worth the fight.
When you want to get unstuck, you have to stop denying that there are underlying problems. You can no longer avoid the elephant in the room that shows up as anger, rage, and depression. Healing requires you to feel it all, stand in your truth and live beyond what has happened to you. To get different results in your life, it may require you do something you have never done before. Therapy could very well be your difference maker.
The journey BEYOND begins within. Your life will open up the moment you get honest about your past and transparent in your present. Therapy doesn’t take away your love and trust in God; it strengthens it. It doesn’t show a lack of faith; it demonstrates the very essence of it. Fear of the unknown will keep you making the same mistakes and never learning the lessons.
We have the power to heal our lives and break free. Find the faith and hope for yourself to live your best life. Your greatness is waiting on you to confront the past so that you can secure your future. I pray your healing and freedom.